can you feel him trying to make a whore of me what he never will he ought
to give it up now at this age of his life simply ruination for any woman
and no satisfaction in it pretending to like it till he comes and then
finish it off myself anyway and it makes your lips pale anyhow its done
now once and for all with all the talk of the world about it people make
its only the first time after that its just the ordinary do it and think
no more about it why cant you kiss a man without going and marrying him
first you sometimes love to wildly when you feel that way so nice all
over you you cant help yourself I wish some man or other would take me
sometime when hes there and kiss me in his arms theres nothing like a
kiss long and hot down to your soul almost paralyses you then I hate that
confession when I used to go to Father Corrigan he touched me father and
what harm if he did where and I said on the canal bank like a fool but
whereabouts on your person my child on the leg behind high up was it yes
rather high up was it where you sit down yes O Lord couldnt he say bottom
right out and have done with it what has that got to do with it and did
you whatever way he put it I forget no father and I always think of the
real father what did he want to know for when I already confessed it to
God he had a nice fat hand the palm moist always I wouldnt mind feeling
it neither would he Id say by the bullneck in his horsecollar I wonder
did he know me in the box I could see his face he couldnt see mine of
course hed never turn or let on still his eyes were red when his father
died theyre lost for a woman of course must be terrible when a man cries
let alone them Id like to be embraced by one in his vestments and the
smell of incense off him like the pope besides theres no danger with a
priest if youre married hes too careful about himself then give something
to H H the pope for a penance I wonder was he satisfied with me one thing
I didnt like his slapping me behind going away so familiarly in the hall
though I laughed Im not a horse or an ass am I I suppose he was thinking
of his fathers I wonder is he awake thinking of me or dreaming am I in it
who gave him that flower he said he bought he smelt of some kind of drink
not whisky or stout or perhaps the sweety kind of paste they stick their
bills up with some liqueur Id like to sip those richlooking green and
yellow expensive drinks those stagedoor johnnies drink with the opera
hats I tasted once with my finger dipped out of that American that had
the squirrel talking stamps with father he had all he could do to keep
himself from falling asleep after the last time after we took the port
and potted meat it had a fine salty taste yes because I felt lovely and
tired myself and fell asleep as sound as a top the moment I popped
straight into bed till that thunder woke me up God be merciful to us I
thought the heavens were coming down about us to punish us when I blessed
myself and said a Hail Mary like those awful thunderbolts in Gibraltar as
if the world was coming to an end and then they come and tell you theres
no God what could you do if it was running and rushing about nothing only
make an act of contrition the candle I lit that evening in Whitefriars
street chapel for the month of May see it brought its luck though hed
scoff if he heard because he never goes to church mass or meeting he says
your soul you have no soul inside only grey matter because he doesnt know
what it is to have one yes when I lit the lamp because he must have come
3 or 4 times with that tremendous big red brute of a thing he has I
thought the vein or whatever the dickens they call it was going to burst
though his nose is not so big after I took off all my things with the
blinds down after my hours dressing and perfuming and combing it like
iron or some kind of a thick crowbar standing all the time he must have
eaten oysters I think a few dozen he was in great singing voice no I
never in all my life felt anyone had one the size of that to make you
feel full up he must have eaten a whole sheep after whats the idea making
us like that with a big hole in the middle of us or like a Stallion
driving it up into you because thats all they want out of you with that
determined vicious look in his eye I had to halfshut my eyes still he
hasnt such a tremendous amount of spunk in him when I made him pull out
and do it on me considering how big it is so much the better in case any
of it wasnt washed out properly the last time I let him finish it in me
nice invention they made for women for him to get all the pleasure but if
someone gave them a touch of it themselves theyd know what I went through
with Milly nobody would believe cutting her teeth too and Mina Purefoys
husband give us a swing out of your whiskers filling her up with a child
or twins once a year as regular as the clock always with a smell of
children off her the one they called budgers or something like a nigger
with a shock of hair on it Jesusjack the child is a black the last time I
was there a squad of them falling over one another and bawling you
couldnt hear your ears supposed to be healthy not satisfied till they
have us swollen out like elephants or I dont know what supposing I risked
having another not off him though still if he was married Im sure hed
have a fine strong child but I dont know Poldy has more spunk in him yes
thatd be awfully jolly I suppose it was meeting Josie Powell and the
funeral and thinking about me and Boylan set him off well he can think
what he likes now if thatll do him any good I know they were spooning a
bit when I came on the scene he was dancing and sitting out with her the
night of Georgina Simpsons housewarming and then he wanted to ram it down
my neck it was on account of not liking to see her a wallflower that was
why we had the standup row over politics he began it not me when he said
about Our Lord being a carpenter at last he made me cry of course a woman
is so sensitive about everything I was fuming with myself after for
giving in only for I knew he was gone on me and the first socialist he
said He was he annoyed me so much I couldnt put him into a temper still
he knows a lot of mixedup things especially about the body and the inside
I often wanted to study up that myself what we have inside us in that
family physician I could always hear his voice talking when the room was
crowded and watch him after that I pretended I had a coolness on with her
over him because he used to be a bit on the jealous side whenever he
asked who are you going to and I said over to Floey and he made me the
present of Byron's poems and the three pairs of gloves so that finished
that I could quite easily get him to make it up any time I know how Id
even supposing he got in with her again and was going out to see her
somewhere Id know if he refused to eat the onions I know plenty of ways
ask him to tuck down the collar of my blouse or touch him with my veil
and gloves on going out I kiss then would send them all spinning however
alright well see then let him go to her she of course would only be too
delighted to pretend shes mad in love with him that I wouldnt so much


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